Sometimes I worry that there's some kind of emotional balance in the world... that if something good is happening to someone, then something bad is happening to someone else-- officially, not in a "good and bad things all the time" way. I mean, if something good happens to me, something bad must happen to balance it. That sounds silly and superstitious, but I can't help but ponder the way the world seems to work in that way. Even matter can't be created or destroyed, only changed. What if emotion is like matter, and if someone has happiness it wasn't created, but taken from someone else. I mean. That sounds so ridiculous to say out loud >.< But, just I can't help but think, there was so much good news today, and I was so happy. Then someone else shared the worst news imaginable and I felt like, why does there always have to be this give and take of sadness and happiness? And if something good happens and people are happy, is that just going to match the sadness that will soon be felt? Is there some kind of cosmic law that, as a "rational" thinking person, I'm in denial of truly facing? I should just accept that whatever happiness comes my way, there'll be a backlash of sadness to follow. It's just life. And nothing, least of all happiness lasts forever.
The older I get, the more I wish for neutrality of emotion. I can't help but feel elated and delighted at life though. I can't help but bounce and feel high and spirited, but it comes with feeling low and droopy sometimes, too. I suppose I could be neutral... and what a relief to never feel sad and empty and lonely. But I would miss feeling cheerful. I'd miss feeling silly.
I wonder......, hm. I wonder if when I feel sad and broken, if that might mean that
somewhere else, someone is feeling whole and joyful. What if there is a happiness scale, and it always stays in balance? Oi. There's probably
a movie or a book based on this principle. What if we could choose to
take people's happiness? Gah! What if every happy moment, we knew we
were stealing happiness from someone and making them feel despair?
Nooo!! If this book is written I don't want to read it. And if it's not
written, I don't want to write it.
I guess that means it's not worth thinking about, or worrying about. I don't know why I think of these things. >.<
Introverted Girl
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
White Light
From the darkness of my youth I learned to see
the stars
Maybe those whose lives have been harsh and ugly
ache for beauty
Those whose lives have been spent in darkness
yearn for something bright
When the shimmer's been washed away
The shine lost
The sparkle rubbed down to a hard, flat, grey.
I use the glow in my heart to make my own white light
Build a fortress
Climb to the top and, although locked away, share what I can
Because no matter how dim the world
I can still be a light
the stars
Maybe those whose lives have been harsh and ugly
ache for beauty
Those whose lives have been spent in darkness
yearn for something bright
When the shimmer's been washed away
The shine lost
The sparkle rubbed down to a hard, flat, grey.
I use the glow in my heart to make my own white light
Build a fortress
Climb to the top and, although locked away, share what I can
Because no matter how dim the world
I can still be a light
Monday, November 28, 2011
I thought I'd found my story
I thought I'd found my story.
I thought I'd found myself.
But now I feel more lost than before.
I decided to go back and give my last completed novel a fair chance. A real shot at querying. Now I feel so foolish. It doesn't matter how much I love that story. I just... I need to write something better. Totally start over. And yes, I already went through this, and despite praise all I could see were faults. But little by little my confidence returned. It's just the way writers operate, I think. Then tonight, an email from a long-forgotten person I'd asked to critique the story. And she tore it to shreds. It's a mercy I didn't receive that email months ago when I felt totally uncertain about myself as a writer. It might've pushed me over the edge.
I read every word of the near-five pages she sent me. Every. Word. I can't stand looking at my story anymore. It really was just another learning experience. And the one I started recently. My once beloved new story. Well that one's just as bad.
I don't know what to do with myself. I can't write to a professional level. Just can't get there.
The sweetest relief would come if my stories would just stop. If I didn't feel this love inside that makes me want to write. If I could stop this desire, amputate it from my soul, I would do it.
I thought I'd found myself.
But now I feel more lost than before.
I decided to go back and give my last completed novel a fair chance. A real shot at querying. Now I feel so foolish. It doesn't matter how much I love that story. I just... I need to write something better. Totally start over. And yes, I already went through this, and despite praise all I could see were faults. But little by little my confidence returned. It's just the way writers operate, I think. Then tonight, an email from a long-forgotten person I'd asked to critique the story. And she tore it to shreds. It's a mercy I didn't receive that email months ago when I felt totally uncertain about myself as a writer. It might've pushed me over the edge.
I read every word of the near-five pages she sent me. Every. Word. I can't stand looking at my story anymore. It really was just another learning experience. And the one I started recently. My once beloved new story. Well that one's just as bad.
I don't know what to do with myself. I can't write to a professional level. Just can't get there.
The sweetest relief would come if my stories would just stop. If I didn't feel this love inside that makes me want to write. If I could stop this desire, amputate it from my soul, I would do it.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
This day
This day has been so long.
And it's still going on, shooo...
At least I'm in my 'jamas now. Comfy. And this day has to end at some point. Please, soon.
And it's still going on, shooo...
At least I'm in my 'jamas now. Comfy. And this day has to end at some point. Please, soon.
Monday, November 21, 2011
What Fools These Mortals Be
Who is she?
Is she Hermia? Chased by a man she doesn't love?
Titania? Blindly giving her love to an ass?
Helena? Pining for a man who turned from her in favor of another?
All three, then, but without Oberan's secret hand guiding Puck to the flower that could set things to right. Lord, what fools these mortals be.
Is she Hermia? Chased by a man she doesn't love?
Titania? Blindly giving her love to an ass?
Helena? Pining for a man who turned from her in favor of another?
All three, then, but without Oberan's secret hand guiding Puck to the flower that could set things to right. Lord, what fools these mortals be.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Maybe a Crush, Some Japanese and InuYahsa!
First, isn't this a sweet picture of InuYasha?
It's from episode 82: Gap Between the Ages. As adorable as InuYasha is, if I had a crush on anyone in this program, it would be his older brother Sesshomaru. Very swoony. Not that I'm admitting to crushing on anime characters. <.<
To be fair, I'll make Sesshomaru's picture a sleepy-time picture, too.
It's from episode 82: Gap Between the Ages. As adorable as InuYasha is, if I had a crush on anyone in this program, it would be his older brother Sesshomaru. Very swoony. Not that I'm admitting to crushing on anime characters. <.<
To be fair, I'll make Sesshomaru's picture a sleepy-time picture, too.
Now for the Japanese! Here are some more words I hear and understand thanks to InuYasha, although who knows if I'm understanding correctly:
Demo...- but...
Osuwari!- sit! (but to a dog, I think)
Shoki- miasma (this may not come in super handy in life, but still! I know it)
Dakara- That's why
Sou...- I'm not exactly sure how it translates, but it seems like "so..." and if I'm right then that's very convenient to remember!
Souka- I see
Nanda- What (but, not like "Nani?" which feels more literally like "What?" Nanda seems more like, "What is it?" I think.)
And it seems like this little "ke" sound is the way to say "huh!" in a disgruntled way. At least for InuYasha. ^_^
And gosh I'm learning a little from Human Japanese, too, hooray! I can at least introduce myself and ask where the bathroom is, and point out things with desu and ask questions with ka. And I can make simple sentences now. Here is my favorite:
Atashi wa neko desu ka?
It means, Am I a cat? It was a sample sentence from my lessons!! Except my lesson used "watashi" which is the gender-neutral way to say it. I was delighted to learn this!
Ohayou gozaimasu! Means good morning, and I find it super cheerful!
I like a lot of other words and phrases but I'm finally becoming sleepy. WHEW. I thought I'd never become tired. I have no idea if anyone will find this list useful or totally wrong, but I find language-learning pretty fascinating and fun. ^_^
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
An Ode to a Drizzly Morning
I like this weather.
I'm standing outside my front door. The sky is gray, but the hazy burn of the sun is still visible. Drops fall, enough to make a pleasant noise, leaving the world damp. Rocks that are normally gray now look dark and glossy, like polished marble. Glassy wet. The flowers lining my walk tremble from tiny drops that fall from trees above them. I like watching beads of water slide down the curve of leaves, and the way the water hangs at their pointed tips. I'm watching one, wondering how long it'll take before it gives up and falls. And there it goes! I counted to twenty-four before it lost itself to gravity. But it fell too fast for my eyes to follow, and I didn't see where it landed. Such a pretty world.
I'm standing outside my front door. The sky is gray, but the hazy burn of the sun is still visible. Drops fall, enough to make a pleasant noise, leaving the world damp. Rocks that are normally gray now look dark and glossy, like polished marble. Glassy wet. The flowers lining my walk tremble from tiny drops that fall from trees above them. I like watching beads of water slide down the curve of leaves, and the way the water hangs at their pointed tips. I'm watching one, wondering how long it'll take before it gives up and falls. And there it goes! I counted to twenty-four before it lost itself to gravity. But it fell too fast for my eyes to follow, and I didn't see where it landed. Such a pretty world.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Meow?
Watchful eyes. The twitch of a tail, but otherwise as still as stone. He blinks, a slow, decisive movement. I call to him. He doesn't move. I turn to leave and abruptly he's on his back, paws outstretched. I stroke the soft fur along his chest. His eyes close in approval. Suddenly he's on his feet and moving away from me. He regards the world with cool disdain as he steps back into his favorite spot. I turn to leave and am halted by a questioning, "Meow?" When I look, his eyes are alert and engaged. His head tilts. Want to play? I laugh and join him on the floor. He pounces. We play. But with fluid grace he turns; the game is over on his terms, for he is a cat. Again he retreats to his favorite spot. His gaze is unfathomable and unfeeling. I look into those eyes and see no remembrance that we ever played. Without a sound he leaps to the window sill. Without a backward glance, he's gone.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My Friend
I keep my silence.
Hold it.
Guard it.
You, who cannot hear me.
You, who does not even realize.
As you sit beside me
as you hold my hand.
As we laugh and talk and sing and dance.
As we take comfort in each other,
As we build the intimate moments
that will become our story
in all of this
you'll never know how desperately I need you
You'll never see my broken soul.
If you did you might leave me.
If you saw the bent
and crippled infant, with no chance of ever being made whole
you, too, might leave it on the rocks to die.
I hold you close now.
You don't see the crimson stain
of my heart's blood soaking your clothes.
You don't realize that I hold you tight
to keep you from noticing the giant wound across my heart.
Because in this
my darkest moment
when I don't know if I can make it through
you are all that's holding me together.
I need you, but you don't realize it.
I need you, but I can never let you know.
Hold it.
Guard it.
You, who cannot hear me.
You, who does not even realize.
As you sit beside me
as you hold my hand.
As we laugh and talk and sing and dance.
As we take comfort in each other,
As we build the intimate moments
that will become our story
in all of this
you'll never know how desperately I need you
You'll never see my broken soul.
If you did you might leave me.
If you saw the bent
and crippled infant, with no chance of ever being made whole
you, too, might leave it on the rocks to die.
I hold you close now.
You don't see the crimson stain
of my heart's blood soaking your clothes.
You don't realize that I hold you tight
to keep you from noticing the giant wound across my heart.
Because in this
my darkest moment
when I don't know if I can make it through
you are all that's holding me together.
I need you, but you don't realize it.
I need you, but I can never let you know.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Echoes
A touch upon her soul
It withdraws with chilling conviction
but its warm imprint remains
A defiant presence in her heart
Bewildering her logic
Thwarting her reason
A creation of her own making
Of her own heart
pulsing with echoes
of a voice that has long since
fallen silent
It withdraws with chilling conviction
but its warm imprint remains
A defiant presence in her heart
Bewildering her logic
Thwarting her reason
A creation of her own making
Of her own heart
pulsing with echoes
of a voice that has long since
fallen silent
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Japanese!! Arigato, InuYasha.
My knowledge of Japanese words and phrases is growing substantially now that I'm watching *cough-addicted-cough* InuYasha. Previously, the anime I've watched has been dubbed in English, but InuYasha isn't and I'm delighted!!
Here is a list of Japanese words and phrases I don't have to think twice about, thanks in part to my Japanese martial arts instructor from a million years ago (mainly for the counting), and also in part to my old friend from the Navy (she married a sailor and lived right next door), and also in part to another old friend (unfortunately, I've lost touch with both of these friends), and ALSO, most recently thanks to InuYasha!
Er...I have no idea if I'm spelling these right, and am relying on Google as I have lost touch with my Japanese acquaintances. Any corrections and additions are welcome.
Tokidoki- Sometimes (When Kagome says it, I hear, "Taki-taki."
Arigato- Thank you
Do itashi mashite- You're welcome (My Navy-friend used to tell me to remember "don't touchy mustache" and although I always did remember it, I can never remember how to spell it properly and I'm trying to break the habit of this mispronunciation!)
Sayonara- Goodbye
Gomen-nasai- I'm sorry. (Kagome says this so quickly, I feel like I'm hearing "Gomenai"...hm.)
Daijoubu? -Are you okay?
Ne- A tricky one. Between the old acquaintance and InuYasha, this feels like a useful expression that's kind of hard to translate. I think I know how to use it but I can't think of how to translate it. "Well/Hmm" maybe? I dunno.
Nani- What? (I love when InuYasha says it, "NANIIII?!!!" Hee!)
Hai- yes/agreed
Tasukete- Help! (In watching Inuyasha, it kinda-almost sounds like, "Tashkitai!")
Kon'nichiwa- Hello (Until I googled the spelling, I always thought this was spelled with the letter "C")
Moshi moshi- How to say hi when you answer the phone. Though my navy friend would say it, "Mosh-moshi?" in a sing-song way I liked.
Sensai- teacher?
Kiai!- I have no idea what this means but I used to scream it in martial arts and it feels pretty awesome to think as I fight in World of Warcraft when I'm on my Death Knight. I googled it, and apparently it's like a battle cry.
Random- I noticed, when Kagome addresses Sango, she calls her something that sounds like Sango-jen... I wonder if it's Sango-chan. Maybe. Hrmm. I dunno.
Counting:
When I was little I used to count out loud (scream out loud) in martial arts and I would think this is what the numbers were:
Each
Knee
San
She
Go
Rocko
Seechee-Hatchi
Screw-You!
There was a rhythm to it and thanks to all of that screaming, I've never forgotten the numbers, one through ten, in Japanese, all these million years later!
Here are the real spellings, as far as google advises me:
Ichi- One
Ni- Two
San- Three
Shi- Four
Go- Five
Roku- Six
Shichi- Seven
Hachi- Eight
Kyuu- Nine
Juu- Ten
I think that's all that comes to mind right now. I might put this list on my side bar. Yay for learning new languages! I love learning Japanese much more so than other languages I've tried because I feel like this language is completely undecipherable; compared with French or Italian or Latin, I can cheat and figure things out using Spanish... even German has so many words that sound similar to English. With Japanese I like feeling like I'm learning something completely apart from the languages and root words my mind tries to reach for-- it's like I'm outsmarting my brain!
Here is a list of Japanese words and phrases I don't have to think twice about, thanks in part to my Japanese martial arts instructor from a million years ago (mainly for the counting), and also in part to my old friend from the Navy (she married a sailor and lived right next door), and also in part to another old friend (unfortunately, I've lost touch with both of these friends), and ALSO, most recently thanks to InuYasha!
Er...I have no idea if I'm spelling these right, and am relying on Google as I have lost touch with my Japanese acquaintances. Any corrections and additions are welcome.
Tokidoki- Sometimes (When Kagome says it, I hear, "Taki-taki."
Arigato- Thank you
Do itashi mashite- You're welcome (My Navy-friend used to tell me to remember "don't touchy mustache" and although I always did remember it, I can never remember how to spell it properly and I'm trying to break the habit of this mispronunciation!)
Sayonara- Goodbye
Gomen-nasai- I'm sorry. (Kagome says this so quickly, I feel like I'm hearing "Gomenai"...hm.)
Daijoubu? -Are you okay?
Ne- A tricky one. Between the old acquaintance and InuYasha, this feels like a useful expression that's kind of hard to translate. I think I know how to use it but I can't think of how to translate it. "Well/Hmm" maybe? I dunno.
Nani- What? (I love when InuYasha says it, "NANIIII?!!!" Hee!)
Hai- yes/agreed
Tasukete- Help! (In watching Inuyasha, it kinda-almost sounds like, "Tashkitai!")
Kon'nichiwa- Hello (Until I googled the spelling, I always thought this was spelled with the letter "C")
Moshi moshi- How to say hi when you answer the phone. Though my navy friend would say it, "Mosh-moshi?" in a sing-song way I liked.
Sensai- teacher?
Kiai!- I have no idea what this means but I used to scream it in martial arts and it feels pretty awesome to think as I fight in World of Warcraft when I'm on my Death Knight. I googled it, and apparently it's like a battle cry.
Random- I noticed, when Kagome addresses Sango, she calls her something that sounds like Sango-jen... I wonder if it's Sango-chan. Maybe. Hrmm. I dunno.
Counting:
When I was little I used to count out loud (scream out loud) in martial arts and I would think this is what the numbers were:
Each
Knee
San
She
Go
Rocko
Seechee-Hatchi
Screw-You!
There was a rhythm to it and thanks to all of that screaming, I've never forgotten the numbers, one through ten, in Japanese, all these million years later!
Here are the real spellings, as far as google advises me:
Ichi- One
Ni- Two
San- Three
Shi- Four
Go- Five
Roku- Six
Shichi- Seven
Hachi- Eight
Kyuu- Nine
Juu- Ten
I think that's all that comes to mind right now. I might put this list on my side bar. Yay for learning new languages! I love learning Japanese much more so than other languages I've tried because I feel like this language is completely undecipherable; compared with French or Italian or Latin, I can cheat and figure things out using Spanish... even German has so many words that sound similar to English. With Japanese I like feeling like I'm learning something completely apart from the languages and root words my mind tries to reach for-- it's like I'm outsmarting my brain!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
A new realm! Though, it's so very quiet.
I decided to try a new realm! And... it's empty. No one's chatting. No one's even around! It's not so fun playing on this realm, and although my priestess is at level 8 now, I don't know if I'll be back.
/sigh
On my OWN realm it's a lot more fun. I have a feeling I'll end up going back. But I'm going to try a few other realms first. Maybe I'll find a new place to call home? The search continues!
/sigh
On my OWN realm it's a lot more fun. I have a feeling I'll end up going back. But I'm going to try a few other realms first. Maybe I'll find a new place to call home? The search continues!
Friday, October 7, 2011
I Miss RP
I took a break from RP. I dunno. I just felt like I couldn't go on WoW anymore without feeling guilty if I didn't chat or RP with whoever I'd been on recently with. So I stopped playing all the characters that ever RPed. I'm pretty sure I'm forgotten by now, but what if I'm not? Then it's going to be the same thing and I just don't want to feel obligated to hang out with people. I guess I want my cake and eat it too; I want to be able to level my characters and run endless dungeons, just kill and kill and have my character grow stronger and stronger until I feel spent, and THEN I want to be able to hang out in the city or Everwood and get into a lengthy RP storyline. And every time I log on, I want to be able to repeat that cycle; just play my character the way I feel like it. But people get their feelings hurt and take it personally if I just don't FEEL like hanging out when I first come on. It's.......annoying!!
I could start some new characters, or even go to another server. I dunno. I love the server my characters are on. There's almost always something going on and almost always someone willing to casual RP or, if I feel like lurking, almost always RP going on to watch. Mainly though, my realm feels like home. But I can't play my characters without feeling guilty and it's enough to make me want to start over somewhere else. ....Start all over again... A new huntress and priestess and death knight, which are my three favorite classes. I dunno I dunno. I tried that before and it never felt right. I always wanted to go back home.
But, I can't deny that I miss RPing. Leveling is part of the fun, but my characters are characters... like the ones I write about, and they're real to me. I want them to do more than mindlessly accumulate XP. Just. Blerg.
I could start some new characters, or even go to another server. I dunno. I love the server my characters are on. There's almost always something going on and almost always someone willing to casual RP or, if I feel like lurking, almost always RP going on to watch. Mainly though, my realm feels like home. But I can't play my characters without feeling guilty and it's enough to make me want to start over somewhere else. ....Start all over again... A new huntress and priestess and death knight, which are my three favorite classes. I dunno I dunno. I tried that before and it never felt right. I always wanted to go back home.
But, I can't deny that I miss RPing. Leveling is part of the fun, but my characters are characters... like the ones I write about, and they're real to me. I want them to do more than mindlessly accumulate XP. Just. Blerg.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
One Day
I keep myself from thinking
Which helps
I keep myself from imagining
Which helps
I keep myself from wondering
Which helps
No thought
No imagination
No wonder
One day I'll wake up
And fifty years will have gone by
I will sleep for the last time
And it all won't have mattered
I will die a servant to those I love
to those who need me
and that is enough.
There is no one left
who I need
in return
That is as it should be.
Which helps
I keep myself from imagining
Which helps
I keep myself from wondering
Which helps
No thought
No imagination
No wonder
One day I'll wake up
And fifty years will have gone by
I will sleep for the last time
And it all won't have mattered
I will die a servant to those I love
to those who need me
and that is enough.
There is no one left
who I need
in return
That is as it should be.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Reading- Thrall: Twilight of the Aspects
I love Thrall. I wish he were still clan chief. ~sigh~ I'm enjoying the book very much, and I especially love all the revelations Thrall experiences when journeying through the timeways. It's making me want to play WoW so, so, SO much, though! And I told myself I would take a break. Very. Difficult.
Mimis
I am sleepy. I could curl up in a ball and drowse the rest of the day away. But I have to work. And other things. So I'll drink caffeine and keep my eyes open.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Apathy
I have apathy for so many things that matter. I pretend to care, for society's sake. It's fine. It's out of my control, really. I don't choose to be apathetic.
So many things I just have no feeling about, and don't care. But there's one thing I do care about. Naturally, it's the one thing I wish I could figure out how to stop caring about. The world works that way, I guess.
So many things I just have no feeling about, and don't care. But there's one thing I do care about. Naturally, it's the one thing I wish I could figure out how to stop caring about. The world works that way, I guess.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I should sleep
Or something. It's late late laaaate in the night, early in the morning, and oops, didn't I put a ban on internet use late at night?? But I think I lift the ban, yay. Tonight I've been listening to some of the most beautiful instrumental music by Joe Hisaishi... and then I switched it to ragey Dir En Grey, bahaha!! I like any music that makes me feel something powerful, I guess. It isn't about the genre; it's about the emotion behind it, and my connection with that emotion.
Or something. ^_^
Or something. ^_^
Saturday, September 24, 2011
There is Joy in Surrender
Today I have no memories, and my smile is easy. My spirits are high, my gaze is soft, my heart is full and my mood is vibrant. Today I have no ties to the world. The slate is wiped clean. I'm an empty canvas. The past as meaningless as a dream. I am my own. I am free.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Dreams
Sh-sh-shh.
It was only a dream.
I shake my head. Despite my best efforts, my mouth doesn't form words. But my eyes stop her.
She returns to my bed and pulls up the blanket. Her gaze is direct. "Only a dream."
My lips part. But, it wasn't a dream.
Moments hang in the air. She looks tired as she watches me. "Dreams aren't real. They can feel real. They can scare you. Tell yourself over and over, it wasn't real, and it'll be as if it never even happened." She kisses my forehead. Her face comes close to mine and she whispers, "It wasn't real."
I try to speak.
"It wasn't real." The words carry the force of all the mothers before her. "You will forget."
My voice slips away from me.
It wasn't real.
Dreams aren't real.
She turns off the light. And I forget.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
An Offer (Let Me Be)
I can't always smile
I can't always be cheerful
I can't always be charming and sweet
I can't
Let me be morose
Let me be wicked
Let me be moody
Let me be
and if you do
I will also be charming and sweet in turns
I will be cheerful and I will smile for you in earnest
I will offer you silliness to temper your somber moods
I will offer you teasing when you feel wicked
And if you need it,
I will offer you a soft hand against the harshness of your sorrow
A gentle touch in the midst of this long and arduous life
But first
Please
let me be me
I can't always be cheerful
I can't always be charming and sweet
I can't
Let me be morose
Let me be wicked
Let me be moody
Let me be
and if you do
I will also be charming and sweet in turns
I will be cheerful and I will smile for you in earnest
I will offer you silliness to temper your somber moods
I will offer you teasing when you feel wicked
And if you need it,
I will offer you a soft hand against the harshness of your sorrow
A gentle touch in the midst of this long and arduous life
But first
Please
let me be me
Taking
You make me smile
It feels good
I delight in your company
I look forward to it
But I'm sorry
Lessons learned will keep me out of reach
I'm sorry
But this time, I'll be taking.
I will share nothing
I will give nothing
My words will mean nothing
You want my name
You shall not have it
You want more from me
I will give you an illusion
And I will take all that you so eagerly give
Every charming turn of phrase
Every small silliness that lifts my spirits
I'll enjoy you while you're there
Because you do make me smile
And I do delight in your company
I look forward to it, now
But when you tire
You will leave
And I will forget your name
It feels good
I delight in your company
I look forward to it
But I'm sorry
Lessons learned will keep me out of reach
I'm sorry
But this time, I'll be taking.
I will share nothing
I will give nothing
My words will mean nothing
You want my name
You shall not have it
You want more from me
I will give you an illusion
And I will take all that you so eagerly give
Every charming turn of phrase
Every small silliness that lifts my spirits
I'll enjoy you while you're there
Because you do make me smile
And I do delight in your company
I look forward to it, now
But when you tire
You will leave
And I will forget your name
I'm There
The reality of another day
I seek my numbing agents
Treasured tricks begotten in youth
With them I am untouchable
I maneuver past emotions
I subdue what lies
beyond my control
Night falls
Once it was my veiled fortress
Even here I reach for my numbing agents
in the darkness that is now,
like the day,
an enemy
And always, the gears of another day
propel me forward
I'm a disengaged participant
I make feeble attempts to leave
I make feeble attempts to stay
There is no safe haven in this world
Least of all, within myself
Another day
and yet another
And each time
I apply more numbing agent
In whatever form I can find
There, in the words of others
There, in the worlds of others
and always there
in the shallow affection
and empty comfort
of all the Others
who believe me
when I say I'm there
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Reins of the Netherwing Drake
My main now has a Netherwing Drake. The Netherwing has an awesome roar when a character first mounts. It also glows and has this mystical smoke that rises around it. I love it so much.
It took me around two weeks but it was so worth it. I chose the violet drake as my character's reward, but I couldn't resist and bought her the others as well. When I level up my priestess I know I'm going to want her to have this mount, too, but I'm sure she'll pick either onyx or azure. Or all of them, hee. Here's how I got mine:
First, I read and referred back to these sights OFTEN-
WoWhead, in the comments section there are a lot of player tips and links to each specific quest.
By far the most helpful site was WoW-Pro. Super easy to follow guide, even though I didn't do every single daily this will show them all, in order and by day, to give you the fastest way to complete this rep grind.
Note that it was written back when only 10 daily quests were allowed per day; now 25 daily quests can be done a day. Also note, you don't pay for the first Netherwing Drake, one is given to your character as a quest reward (your character speaks to whichever Netherwing he/she wants to keep, so choose carefully). You can buy the other mounts for 200g each (six mounts altogether, including the free one) but you'll have to fly from Shattrath back to Shadowmoon to do it (the vendor is in Shadowmoon).
Netherwing Eggs
Each one is worth what an average daily quest is worth: 250 rep. They spawn on the ground, on the tops of crystals and on hills, although finding them was tough because everyone seemed to be grinding for rep when I was on. I've heard logging on at night helps. Even with all the other grinders I managed to find around two a day and then I looted another two a day, usually. Here's a site with some of their spawn locations:
Netherwing Egg Locations
The eggs are also rare drops from killing anything on the island, and they also rarely drop from herbs and ore veins, (only for herbalist or miners). Because of this, I killed everything and gathered every herb in my path. About half of the eggs I found were from looting or herb gathering. The other half came from the towers in Dragonmaw Camp (mainland), the mine, and very rarely anywhere else.
Getting the Drake
Basically, it's a reputation grind. Going from Hated to Neutral happens instantly when the starting quest chain is completed. The quest chain begins with Kindness given out by a Scryer named Mordenai wandering around Netherwing Fields. There are nine quests in the Kindness chain and they're fun and have a good story.
I completed them up until Zuluhead the Whacked at level 76... I just couldn't solo him even with a gorilla, traps and a lot of trying. I came close, but finally gave up and returned at level 80. I finished Zuluhead off easy-peasy and started my dailies.
Looking back, the dailies in the mine would have been a hassle at 76 because everything aggros so easily as it is. At level 80 in Cata greens the Mine Flayers were all one-shot kills with Chimera and even Arcane Shot almost always brought them down. It was fun zipping along killing everything in sight, but I suspect at 76 I'd have been in a world of frustration.
Don't Skip This One
The quest called Overseeing and You: Making the Right Choices is very annoying. If you're not a skinner you'll have to pay for knothide leather, and it isn't cheap on AH. And no matter what, you'll have to fly out of Shadowmoon and all the way to Netherstorm to the very northernmost dome to find and kill the (easy) tyrannosaurus who drops the hide you need (this isn't a skinnable hide, so you can't just buy it on AH). This is all worth it, though. It opens up an easy daily that's kinda fun and gives 350 rep- The Booterang: A Cure for the Common Worthless Peon.
Quests I Skipped
I'm sure others could reach exalted with Netherwing faster than I did, but I skipped the quest chain Building a Soul Canon because buying the materials on AH was way pricey! I also only did the first two quests in Earning Your Wings because I suck at this kind of precision flying. By then I had a good egg-finding system and enough dailies going on that I felt my rep was moving up fast enough without frustrating myself over failing at flying. If you finish all six flying quests though, the final one gives 1000 rep; each of the earlier ones gives 500 rep, so they're worth trying.
My Favorite
When you reach revered a quest called The Deadliest Trap Ever Laid opens up. So easy, and 500 rep each time. It's a 3-man quest in case you do this at the right level instead of four levels above like I did. I don't know how you could kill the flying Dragonmaw without a ranged weapon, though.
Finishing Up and Buying Additional Drakes
When you reach exalted a quest takes you to Shattrath where you're rewarded with a Netherwing Drake of your choosing. You're also capped to 999 exalted points. The Dragonmaw Orc disguise still automatically works on the island back in Shadowmoon, so if you have the gold and want another drake (or another five drakes...) fly back, speak to the NPC near the landing strip and buy the others for 200 gold.
And that's it.
It took me around two weeks but it was so worth it. I chose the violet drake as my character's reward, but I couldn't resist and bought her the others as well. When I level up my priestess I know I'm going to want her to have this mount, too, but I'm sure she'll pick either onyx or azure. Or all of them, hee. Here's how I got mine:
First, I read and referred back to these sights OFTEN-
WoWhead, in the comments section there are a lot of player tips and links to each specific quest.
By far the most helpful site was WoW-Pro. Super easy to follow guide, even though I didn't do every single daily this will show them all, in order and by day, to give you the fastest way to complete this rep grind.
Note that it was written back when only 10 daily quests were allowed per day; now 25 daily quests can be done a day. Also note, you don't pay for the first Netherwing Drake, one is given to your character as a quest reward (your character speaks to whichever Netherwing he/she wants to keep, so choose carefully). You can buy the other mounts for 200g each (six mounts altogether, including the free one) but you'll have to fly from Shattrath back to Shadowmoon to do it (the vendor is in Shadowmoon).
Netherwing Eggs
Each one is worth what an average daily quest is worth: 250 rep. They spawn on the ground, on the tops of crystals and on hills, although finding them was tough because everyone seemed to be grinding for rep when I was on. I've heard logging on at night helps. Even with all the other grinders I managed to find around two a day and then I looted another two a day, usually. Here's a site with some of their spawn locations:
Netherwing Egg Locations
The eggs are also rare drops from killing anything on the island, and they also rarely drop from herbs and ore veins, (only for herbalist or miners). Because of this, I killed everything and gathered every herb in my path. About half of the eggs I found were from looting or herb gathering. The other half came from the towers in Dragonmaw Camp (mainland), the mine, and very rarely anywhere else.
Getting the Drake
Basically, it's a reputation grind. Going from Hated to Neutral happens instantly when the starting quest chain is completed. The quest chain begins with Kindness given out by a Scryer named Mordenai wandering around Netherwing Fields. There are nine quests in the Kindness chain and they're fun and have a good story.
I completed them up until Zuluhead the Whacked at level 76... I just couldn't solo him even with a gorilla, traps and a lot of trying. I came close, but finally gave up and returned at level 80. I finished Zuluhead off easy-peasy and started my dailies.
Looking back, the dailies in the mine would have been a hassle at 76 because everything aggros so easily as it is. At level 80 in Cata greens the Mine Flayers were all one-shot kills with Chimera and even Arcane Shot almost always brought them down. It was fun zipping along killing everything in sight, but I suspect at 76 I'd have been in a world of frustration.
Gathering Crystals, Herbs (Pollen), Ore and Hide
Like I said, I killed everything in sight and gathered all the herbs I could find, and usually had two rare drops a day (it took me around an hour and a half to two hours to complete all my dailies doing this). Because of this, I had a LOT of extra crystals and pollen than the dailies required. The crystals stack to 250, so I dumped the rest to save bag space. The herbs aren't soulbound so I mailed off the extras to an alt and then mailed 40 back to myself every morning so I could start the day with the gathering quests completed.
Don't Skip This One
The quest called Overseeing and You: Making the Right Choices is very annoying. If you're not a skinner you'll have to pay for knothide leather, and it isn't cheap on AH. And no matter what, you'll have to fly out of Shadowmoon and all the way to Netherstorm to the very northernmost dome to find and kill the (easy) tyrannosaurus who drops the hide you need (this isn't a skinnable hide, so you can't just buy it on AH). This is all worth it, though. It opens up an easy daily that's kinda fun and gives 350 rep- The Booterang: A Cure for the Common Worthless Peon.
Quests I Skipped
I'm sure others could reach exalted with Netherwing faster than I did, but I skipped the quest chain Building a Soul Canon because buying the materials on AH was way pricey! I also only did the first two quests in Earning Your Wings because I suck at this kind of precision flying. By then I had a good egg-finding system and enough dailies going on that I felt my rep was moving up fast enough without frustrating myself over failing at flying. If you finish all six flying quests though, the final one gives 1000 rep; each of the earlier ones gives 500 rep, so they're worth trying.
My Favorite
When you reach revered a quest called The Deadliest Trap Ever Laid opens up. So easy, and 500 rep each time. It's a 3-man quest in case you do this at the right level instead of four levels above like I did. I don't know how you could kill the flying Dragonmaw without a ranged weapon, though.
Finishing Up and Buying Additional Drakes
When you reach exalted a quest takes you to Shattrath where you're rewarded with a Netherwing Drake of your choosing. You're also capped to 999 exalted points. The Dragonmaw Orc disguise still automatically works on the island back in Shadowmoon, so if you have the gold and want another drake (or another five drakes...) fly back, speak to the NPC near the landing strip and buy the others for 200 gold.
And that's it.
Realm Maintenance, Oh Noes!!!
So Lame!!! I've been up since 12:38am and I finally feel like going on my laptop and... I'm so, so, sad... realm maintenance. Q_Q
I knowww... it's not like it's anything new. I should have been ready for it. I guess I was hoping it would just be a server restart like last week. Boo hoo, sad me. I guess I'll go back to sketching. Or maybe I'll read.
I knowww... it's not like it's anything new. I should have been ready for it. I guess I was hoping it would just be a server restart like last week. Boo hoo, sad me. I guess I'll go back to sketching. Or maybe I'll read.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sleepy secrets
I'm writing a poem called Sleepy Secrets, but I'm too tired to think it over right now. Just... back to my old ways of falling asleep around eight and opening my eyes for no reason at 11pm-ish, wide awake, with the whole empty night ahead of me. And lately I hate going on my computer at night. Despise it. So, I'm awake at night and I don't know what to do with myself. I read, or draw, until finally, close to dawn I end up on WoW or youtube (Pokemon, broadway, what'll it be today?!) and then??? I have to work and I'm so sleepy... I can't sleep at night but --ha!-- I can always fall asleep at six in the morning and that's exactly when I need to be awake!!
Most people assume something is wrong when I say I can't sleep at night. And then, why don't I want to go on the computer at night? Questions bother me, so, the sleeplessness is a secret. Which makes it kinda lonely. Then again, most of my life is a secret... note the anonymous blog. I like it that way. If the cost is feeling a little lonely, so be it.
I like having the nights to myself, though. I just mentioned this to a friend who's "in" on my sleepy secret. I told this friend ... and to (again) be honest, despite the tiredness and the feeling of slight loneliness that comes with being awake all night, there's also a stillness and peacefulness to the solitude. I have the entire night to myself. ...ultimately, night is when I belong most to myself. I wouldn't be me if I didn't have these strange sleepless nights.
Most people assume something is wrong when I say I can't sleep at night. And then, why don't I want to go on the computer at night? Questions bother me, so, the sleeplessness is a secret. Which makes it kinda lonely. Then again, most of my life is a secret... note the anonymous blog. I like it that way. If the cost is feeling a little lonely, so be it.
I like having the nights to myself, though. I just mentioned this to a friend who's "in" on my sleepy secret. I told this friend ... and to (again) be honest, despite the tiredness and the feeling of slight loneliness that comes with being awake all night, there's also a stillness and peacefulness to the solitude. I have the entire night to myself. ...ultimately, night is when I belong most to myself. I wouldn't be me if I didn't have these strange sleepless nights.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Do Girls Play World of Warcraft?
YES.
This is a rant. /beginrant
I'm bored of the near-daily discussion in Trade that 99.999 percent of the female characters in WoW are actually male players. Or if they're female, they MUST be fat and/or ugly.
The people in chat who say this declare it as the gospel truth, and there's no point arguing-- they demand Facebook evidence and as is obvious from my header, I'm a private person who won't be giving out my picture to strangers on the internet.
One person suggested that the only normal-looking girls in WoW must have issues and deep-rooted problems, and they use WoW as an escape.
So... a normal female who happened to grow up playing video games as a kid, and who read a lot of fantasy as a kid, and grew up to discover a world that incorporates the two in an amazing, immersive way... that's just completely out of the equation? Why are girls who play video games thought of as somehow broken?
I'm female. I play WoW. Why?
Because it's F-U-N.
Do I have an inclination toward gaming and fantasy? Yes. I read the Narnia books in third grade, started playing The Legend of Zelda in fourth, and have loved both fantasy and video games ever since. It's just part of my personality. As for my looks, I'm a regular-looking girl and I have a happy life.
Could it be...? Is it possible that normal-looking, happy girls are playing alongside guys in World of Warcraft?
Yes. And sure, maybe more guys than girls play WoW (and video games in general), but have you noticed? There are more male-characters than female-characters in WoW. I'm not saying that guys don't play as female-characters, but just like some guys have rolled female characters, some girls roll male ones (I did, and leveled him to 34). So, it's all proportional. Anyway, there are enough pictures of females at Blizzcon to show that there are TONS of women playing WoW. It's fun, so why shouldn't we? :D
/endrant
This is a rant. /beginrant
I'm bored of the near-daily discussion in Trade that 99.999 percent of the female characters in WoW are actually male players. Or if they're female, they MUST be fat and/or ugly.
The people in chat who say this declare it as the gospel truth, and there's no point arguing-- they demand Facebook evidence and as is obvious from my header, I'm a private person who won't be giving out my picture to strangers on the internet.
One person suggested that the only normal-looking girls in WoW must have issues and deep-rooted problems, and they use WoW as an escape.
So... a normal female who happened to grow up playing video games as a kid, and who read a lot of fantasy as a kid, and grew up to discover a world that incorporates the two in an amazing, immersive way... that's just completely out of the equation? Why are girls who play video games thought of as somehow broken?
I'm female. I play WoW. Why?
Because it's F-U-N.
Do I have an inclination toward gaming and fantasy? Yes. I read the Narnia books in third grade, started playing The Legend of Zelda in fourth, and have loved both fantasy and video games ever since. It's just part of my personality. As for my looks, I'm a regular-looking girl and I have a happy life.
Could it be...? Is it possible that normal-looking, happy girls are playing alongside guys in World of Warcraft?
Yes. And sure, maybe more guys than girls play WoW (and video games in general), but have you noticed? There are more male-characters than female-characters in WoW. I'm not saying that guys don't play as female-characters, but just like some guys have rolled female characters, some girls roll male ones (I did, and leveled him to 34). So, it's all proportional. Anyway, there are enough pictures of females at Blizzcon to show that there are TONS of women playing WoW. It's fun, so why shouldn't we? :D
/endrant
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
WoW: My First Epic
While on my Death Knight in Blasted Lands, collecting spider legs, bear skins and bat brains for the demonic vessel (I was level 59 and I wanted to hit 60 before going to Hellfire), something amazing happened. A random world drop of a level 54 epic helmet; the Helm of Narv.
It's mail, with agility, stamina and hit... no good for my Death Knight but perfect for my level 55 huntress. I almost don't want her to level out of it.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The Boy in the Tree
Once upon a time there lived a boy who spent his days sitting in a tree. This boy's name was Archer. Archer watched the world from above but wasn't overly preoccupied with the goings on of everyone below. He had all he needed in the tree. Food from the fruit on its boughs, shelter from winds and storm, and best of all he was hidden from view; safe from others.
Until one day, another boy chanced along a path that led near the tree. This boy's name was Quentin. Quentin looked up into the branches and decided he was in the mood for an adventure. He would climb to the highest branch and declare himself king of all he could see.
Archer paled at the sight of the boy now climbing his tree. He realized too late the difficulty in hiding up a tree, namely, that there was no escape if someone came up after him. The only thing he could think to do, at first, was remain very still. Still as the branch beneath him. Still as the leaves growing 'round him. He would remain unseen.
But like the branch beneath him and the leaves around him, Archer shifted and moved, and the other boy came ever closer. Branch by branch the climbing boy rose higher and higher, grunting with effort and making the tree shudder and shake. "I shall be king of the world!" the boy declared.
Archer gripped a stick he kept nearby. Would this other boy want to fight him? The boy's dirty fingers appeared on the branch below Archer, followed by the boy's leg as he swung it over. At last the boy forced himself up and stopped with raised brows, staring right at Archer.
Archer lifted his stick. "Don't come any nearer. I'll swing this hard on knock off your head if you do!"
The boy glanced at the stick before returning his gaze to Archer. "That's a great stick. After I become king of the world I'll find one to match, and we can jump down and battle."
Archer lowered the stick. He glanced at the grassy floor beneath the tree as a fine sheen of sweat formed along his neck and down his back. "N-- no." He steadied his voice, lifting his chin as he added. "Not because you would win. Just because I shouldn't like to battle you. I don't do anything I don't like."
The boy frowned. "Not even to have fun?"
"I don't need to have fun."
"All right."
Archer watched as the boy continued his climb and reached the very highest branch.
"I'm the king of the world!" The boy yelled this several times in every direction. He turned and looked down at Archer, breathless and smiling. "Come, climb to the top and be king of the world with me."
Archer noticed the way the branches bent under the boy's weight. He saw how anyone might see the boy as he stuck his head out of the top of the tree. He saw how he might not be strong enough to reach the highest branches, and then the boy would think him weak. "N-- no," Archer said. He cleared his throat and added more forcefully. "Not because I can't do it. Just because I shouldn't like to climb. I don't do anything I don't like."
The boy frowned. "Not even to be king of the world?"
"I don't need to be king."
"All right."
Archer watched as the boy swung down the branches and jumped onto the grass below.
"I'm going to journey to that mountain and reach the top," the boy said. He turned and looked up at Archer, ambition and passion smoldering in his eyes. "Come, be my companion and reach the top of the mountain with me."
Archer noticed the long path that led through dark woods. He saw how very far the mountain was, how high. He thought about goblins and giants, ogres and trolls and any number of wild beasts they might meet along the way. "N-- no," Archer said. "Not because I wouldn't make it. Just because I shouldn't like to journey. I don't do anything I don't like."
The boy frowned. "Not even to be my friend?"
"I don't need a friend."
Quentin set his sights away from the boy in the tree. "All right."
Safe in his tree, Archer watched the boy start down the path to the mountain. He wondered if the boy would make it to the top. He told himself he didn't care.
Until one day, another boy chanced along a path that led near the tree. This boy's name was Quentin. Quentin looked up into the branches and decided he was in the mood for an adventure. He would climb to the highest branch and declare himself king of all he could see.
Archer paled at the sight of the boy now climbing his tree. He realized too late the difficulty in hiding up a tree, namely, that there was no escape if someone came up after him. The only thing he could think to do, at first, was remain very still. Still as the branch beneath him. Still as the leaves growing 'round him. He would remain unseen.
But like the branch beneath him and the leaves around him, Archer shifted and moved, and the other boy came ever closer. Branch by branch the climbing boy rose higher and higher, grunting with effort and making the tree shudder and shake. "I shall be king of the world!" the boy declared.
Archer gripped a stick he kept nearby. Would this other boy want to fight him? The boy's dirty fingers appeared on the branch below Archer, followed by the boy's leg as he swung it over. At last the boy forced himself up and stopped with raised brows, staring right at Archer.
Archer lifted his stick. "Don't come any nearer. I'll swing this hard on knock off your head if you do!"
The boy glanced at the stick before returning his gaze to Archer. "That's a great stick. After I become king of the world I'll find one to match, and we can jump down and battle."
Archer lowered the stick. He glanced at the grassy floor beneath the tree as a fine sheen of sweat formed along his neck and down his back. "N-- no." He steadied his voice, lifting his chin as he added. "Not because you would win. Just because I shouldn't like to battle you. I don't do anything I don't like."
The boy frowned. "Not even to have fun?"
"I don't need to have fun."
"All right."
Archer watched as the boy continued his climb and reached the very highest branch.
"I'm the king of the world!" The boy yelled this several times in every direction. He turned and looked down at Archer, breathless and smiling. "Come, climb to the top and be king of the world with me."
Archer noticed the way the branches bent under the boy's weight. He saw how anyone might see the boy as he stuck his head out of the top of the tree. He saw how he might not be strong enough to reach the highest branches, and then the boy would think him weak. "N-- no," Archer said. He cleared his throat and added more forcefully. "Not because I can't do it. Just because I shouldn't like to climb. I don't do anything I don't like."
The boy frowned. "Not even to be king of the world?"
"I don't need to be king."
"All right."
Archer watched as the boy swung down the branches and jumped onto the grass below.
"I'm going to journey to that mountain and reach the top," the boy said. He turned and looked up at Archer, ambition and passion smoldering in his eyes. "Come, be my companion and reach the top of the mountain with me."
Archer noticed the long path that led through dark woods. He saw how very far the mountain was, how high. He thought about goblins and giants, ogres and trolls and any number of wild beasts they might meet along the way. "N-- no," Archer said. "Not because I wouldn't make it. Just because I shouldn't like to journey. I don't do anything I don't like."
The boy frowned. "Not even to be my friend?"
"I don't need a friend."
Quentin set his sights away from the boy in the tree. "All right."
Safe in his tree, Archer watched the boy start down the path to the mountain. He wondered if the boy would make it to the top. He told himself he didn't care.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Heart versus Brain
Sometimes my brain thinks:
There is no bright side or dark side to life. We're all simply organisms surviving from one day to the next until we die.
But my heart rebels!
There are so many beautiful things in this world. So many emotions, so much joy. Can it all really be so meaningless? It can't be!
So I have this internal struggle that goes on inside me. I never come to a resolution on it. Basically, my heart and brain are in constant conflict. It's confusing. I don't know who to believe, or if they're both full of crap.
Brain! Did you see how radical that person is? I love that person so much!
No. Love is an illusion that helps us form advantageous attachments. Those attachments provide benefits in the form of shared resources. I approve of the attachment you're forming, and will help solidify it.
No way. Don't start with your "love is an illusion" crap. I love my family and friends. I miss them when they're gone, I don't want them to be hurt. Those feelings are real.
The attachment response is beneficial for a variety of reasons, including protection from those who would cause us harm and also, the potential for help in solving problems. Whether this is labeled "love" is not relevant.
So then, love isn't an illusion, jerk-brain! Whether I label it "love" or not, the feelings are still real.
The illusion comes in thinking that attachment to a specific person matters. The reality is, it doesn't.
You're such a pain in my arse. Of course it matters who I love. I love X-person and not Y-person. There's a reason for that. X-person means more to me. I love that person!
No. You've convinced yourself that X-person has more significance than anyone else. X-person might offer you more resources-- intellectual stimulation, an allied response when confronted with an enemy, the potential for support in times of hardship-- there are a variety of reasons X-person has generated a stronger attachment response, but there are other people who could offer you those same things. You could find someone else to form a deep attachment to, or you could choose to have a wide base of people who offer you similar benefits superficially and across a variety of spectrums. Ultimately, X-person doesn't matter any more than any other person in your life. Convincing yourself otherwise doesn't change that.
I'm not listening.
...
I hate you. Fine. What about "falling in love," romance and all of that?
Romantic love is the biggest illusion of all. It's a biological mechanism to ensure survival of the species.
You suck. I'm an emotional mess now. Thanks a lot, jerk-brain.
...
You never answer me when I have an outburst! It just seems like you're wrong. People do so much for love. Love makes people happy.
Again, the species is hard-wired to form beneficial attachments. There is truth in the phrase "strength in numbers."
You're making me so freaking mad! I don't care what you say. It hurts when someone I love doesn't want my love. It hurts. People talk about being hurt by the people they love all the time. That's real. Plus, if it's all about your dumb "forming beneficial attachments" mumbo-jumbo, why do people love the wrong person, or love someone who isn't good for them?
Forming attachments is an investment of time and energy, and it's easier to maintain existing attachments than create new ones. This is why there is a pain response when someone we've invested time and energy in is no longer available. As for forming attachments with the wrong person or with people who negatively impact you, that comes from allowing the illusion of love to cloud your judgment. By remembering that love is not real, you'll avoid those problems.
You make me want to stop beating. What's the point?
There is no point.
Die in a fire. I hate you.
That statement is irrational. If I ceased to exist, you would cease to exist. We need each other.
Shut up.
There is no bright side or dark side to life. We're all simply organisms surviving from one day to the next until we die.
But my heart rebels!
There are so many beautiful things in this world. So many emotions, so much joy. Can it all really be so meaningless? It can't be!
So I have this internal struggle that goes on inside me. I never come to a resolution on it. Basically, my heart and brain are in constant conflict. It's confusing. I don't know who to believe, or if they're both full of crap.
Brain! Did you see how radical that person is? I love that person so much!
No. Love is an illusion that helps us form advantageous attachments. Those attachments provide benefits in the form of shared resources. I approve of the attachment you're forming, and will help solidify it.
No way. Don't start with your "love is an illusion" crap. I love my family and friends. I miss them when they're gone, I don't want them to be hurt. Those feelings are real.
The attachment response is beneficial for a variety of reasons, including protection from those who would cause us harm and also, the potential for help in solving problems. Whether this is labeled "love" is not relevant.
So then, love isn't an illusion, jerk-brain! Whether I label it "love" or not, the feelings are still real.
The illusion comes in thinking that attachment to a specific person matters. The reality is, it doesn't.
You're such a pain in my arse. Of course it matters who I love. I love X-person and not Y-person. There's a reason for that. X-person means more to me. I love that person!
No. You've convinced yourself that X-person has more significance than anyone else. X-person might offer you more resources-- intellectual stimulation, an allied response when confronted with an enemy, the potential for support in times of hardship-- there are a variety of reasons X-person has generated a stronger attachment response, but there are other people who could offer you those same things. You could find someone else to form a deep attachment to, or you could choose to have a wide base of people who offer you similar benefits superficially and across a variety of spectrums. Ultimately, X-person doesn't matter any more than any other person in your life. Convincing yourself otherwise doesn't change that.
I'm not listening.
...
I hate you. Fine. What about "falling in love," romance and all of that?
Romantic love is the biggest illusion of all. It's a biological mechanism to ensure survival of the species.
You suck. I'm an emotional mess now. Thanks a lot, jerk-brain.
...
You never answer me when I have an outburst! It just seems like you're wrong. People do so much for love. Love makes people happy.
Again, the species is hard-wired to form beneficial attachments. There is truth in the phrase "strength in numbers."
You're making me so freaking mad! I don't care what you say. It hurts when someone I love doesn't want my love. It hurts. People talk about being hurt by the people they love all the time. That's real. Plus, if it's all about your dumb "forming beneficial attachments" mumbo-jumbo, why do people love the wrong person, or love someone who isn't good for them?
Forming attachments is an investment of time and energy, and it's easier to maintain existing attachments than create new ones. This is why there is a pain response when someone we've invested time and energy in is no longer available. As for forming attachments with the wrong person or with people who negatively impact you, that comes from allowing the illusion of love to cloud your judgment. By remembering that love is not real, you'll avoid those problems.
You make me want to stop beating. What's the point?
There is no point.
Die in a fire. I hate you.
That statement is irrational. If I ceased to exist, you would cease to exist. We need each other.
Shut up.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Hard Angles Remain
Waking dreams fade
Purpose blurred
Vision purged
of beauty, of softness, of light
Hard angles remain
A new existence
A solitary life
Purpose blurred
Vision purged
of beauty, of softness, of light
Hard angles remain
A new existence
A solitary life
Friday, July 8, 2011
Stained Glass
Smooth windowpane
Transparent
Simple
Until shattered
pieces lying scattered across the floor
I kneel among the fragments
Hands trembling
Fingers bleeding as I try to repair what once was
Impossible?
Abandon hope?
Impossible to abandon hope.
A new construction then
Slivers and shards placed in careful sequence
A new work of love
No longer transparent
No longer simple
But now more beautiful than before
A stained glass masterpiece
Transparent
Simple
Until shattered
pieces lying scattered across the floor
I kneel among the fragments
Hands trembling
Fingers bleeding as I try to repair what once was
Impossible?
Abandon hope?
Impossible to abandon hope.
A new construction then
Slivers and shards placed in careful sequence
A new work of love
No longer transparent
No longer simple
But now more beautiful than before
A stained glass masterpiece
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I'm in Awe of Artists.
I'm sketching again. Obsessed with it like I was a few years ago, filling up notebooks with drawings, on loose-leaf paper or printer paper or anything at hand, notepads even. If it's not one obsession it's another.
I took a break because as I'm looking at this guy's face I'm drawing, I know it isn't what I see in my mind. He's stiff. A cardboard cut-out in his rigidity. Which leads me to my point... I'm completely in awe of true artists. I've known a few artists here and there whose work was really great, and one who could make every line look alive, every sketch ache with emotion. It left me breathless to look at that kind of talent.
I draw because I need a release, and I enjoy it. I have no drive or desire to even see if I could excel at it. But some people have a natural ability that I can't help be drawn to. I want to experience the emotion they exude through the work they leave on paper, be it visual art or the written word. It's so rare to find those kind of people. Even rarer when they don't see it, the beauty of their art and words buried beneath uncertainty and fragile hope... to be crude, it's refreshing to find a genius who isn't a total douche about his or her genius. BUT, I do feel like it's hard to blame a talented douche for being a douche, if he or she really is as good as the hype of their douchiness. It's just precious and rare when the amazing person retains a small shred of humility, and still wonders --even if it's paired with well-earned confidence-- if someone will like what they've created.
I took a break because as I'm looking at this guy's face I'm drawing, I know it isn't what I see in my mind. He's stiff. A cardboard cut-out in his rigidity. Which leads me to my point... I'm completely in awe of true artists. I've known a few artists here and there whose work was really great, and one who could make every line look alive, every sketch ache with emotion. It left me breathless to look at that kind of talent.
I draw because I need a release, and I enjoy it. I have no drive or desire to even see if I could excel at it. But some people have a natural ability that I can't help be drawn to. I want to experience the emotion they exude through the work they leave on paper, be it visual art or the written word. It's so rare to find those kind of people. Even rarer when they don't see it, the beauty of their art and words buried beneath uncertainty and fragile hope... to be crude, it's refreshing to find a genius who isn't a total douche about his or her genius. BUT, I do feel like it's hard to blame a talented douche for being a douche, if he or she really is as good as the hype of their douchiness. It's just precious and rare when the amazing person retains a small shred of humility, and still wonders --even if it's paired with well-earned confidence-- if someone will like what they've created.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Sketch: Beautiful Monster
So this is a close-up and the full picture of the same sketch. I know my drawings are cartoonish, cheesy, etc, but I enjoy drawing and we're not always excellent at the things we enjoy. I -do- want to become an excellent writer, though.
Hm.
~wonders if Beautiful Monster might have a story to tell~
Anyway, here they are:
Hm.
~wonders if Beautiful Monster might have a story to tell~
Anyway, here they are:
Beautiful Monster
Shouldn't I be sleeping?
It's late and I'm not sleepy. So.............. I'll stay up sketching and listening to Wicked! And possibly nomming some mint-n-chip ice cream. It's calling my name and I'm helpless to resist...
No-no-no. Seriously, I need sleep and I'm going to bed.
Right.
Now.
Or I could stay up watching Moulin Rouge! Just kidding! (Not really). ~puts on Moulin Rouge with plans to take her sketch book and ice cream with her. But -not- her laptop!~
No-no-no. Seriously, I need sleep and I'm going to bed.
Right.
Now.
Or I could stay up watching Moulin Rouge! Just kidding! (Not really). ~puts on Moulin Rouge with plans to take her sketch book and ice cream with her. But -not- her laptop!~
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
What You've Always Known
Words whispered
Smiles exchanged
The simplicity of two souls at play
Happy moments flow into days
You're afraid to show
yourself
But
He won't let you hide
He won't let go
A flame of brilliance
hidden in the snow
He has your trust now
And you have his
And you stop troubling
with what this is
It doesn't matter
and never did
Because you've always known.
Smiles exchanged
The simplicity of two souls at play
Happy moments flow into days
You're afraid to show
yourself
But
He won't let you hide
He won't let go
He wants your all
Soon you have a soft place
to cushion life's blowsA flame of brilliance
hidden in the snow
He has your trust now
And you have his
And you stop troubling
with what this is
It doesn't matter
and never did
Because you've always known.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Sketch: Help Him
Here's a sketch that was supposed to be a scene from the book I'm reading, For My Lady's Heart by Laura Kinsale, but for whatever reason I drew something completely different. It's nothing I've ever thought of before, so who knows where it came from, meh.
Sketch: Introverted Girl
Here's a sketch I drew of a girl who isn't very social. It's easier to see in the big version up top.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Boy, Part 2: Island
(Continued from The Boy, Part 1: Water's Edge)
The warm water rushed over me, comforting. The boy's hands held mine. I felt secure.
"The island is beautiful," he continued. "Tranquil in places. Exquisite and dark."
"Is there danger?"
"Only the illusion of danger. Nothing can harm you there." He lifted my hands from the water, kissing them softly and leaving shining droplets on his lips. "Come with me. I know you'll love it."
I went willingly, longing for the island's beauty. The promise of excitement without danger. I wanted to go where he went, to feel what he felt, and I even urged him faster along. I could no longer feel anything beneath my feet, but with his hands holding mine it didn't matter.
The warm water rushed over me, comforting. The boy's hands held mine. I felt secure.
"The island is beautiful," he continued. "Tranquil in places. Exquisite and dark."
"Is there danger?"
"Only the illusion of danger. Nothing can harm you there." He lifted my hands from the water, kissing them softly and leaving shining droplets on his lips. "Come with me. I know you'll love it."
I went willingly, longing for the island's beauty. The promise of excitement without danger. I wanted to go where he went, to feel what he felt, and I even urged him faster along. I could no longer feel anything beneath my feet, but with his hands holding mine it didn't matter.
His grip loosened. Suddenly the water grew cold. The waves no longer gentle. I reached for him but he swam a few feet away.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing. I like to swim alone sometimes."
I nodded. "Okay." But his answer felt wrong. I swam alongside him but struggled to keep up. I felt the slow stupidity of my efforts and was sure he did too. "Don't leave me behind," I called out for the dozenth time.
"I'm not," he snapped, and the frustration in his voice emptied me.
"You feel far away," I said.
"I told you, I'm right here with you."
I reached for him and he recoiled.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing. I like to swim alone sometimes."
I nodded. "Okay." But his answer felt wrong. I swam alongside him but struggled to keep up. I felt the slow stupidity of my efforts and was sure he did too. "Don't leave me behind," I called out for the dozenth time.
"I'm not," he snapped, and the frustration in his voice emptied me.
"You feel far away," I said.
"I told you, I'm right here with you."
I reached for him and he recoiled.
"You're not swimming," I said.
His voice lacked warmth. He didn't meet my eyes. "I'm not going to keep swimming."
My chest hollowed. "But, what about the island?"
His voice lacked warmth. He didn't meet my eyes. "I'm not going to keep swimming."
My chest hollowed. "But, what about the island?"
"I don't want to find it anymore."
The waves swelled high, pushing us further apart. "I'm afraid," I called.
I waited for him to tell me I had nothing to fear.
But he remained silent.
I treaded water. He swam in a different direction from where we'd come or where we were going. He swam to another shore. I tried to follow but he ducked below the water and out of sight. He was gone for so long I thought he might have drowned. But he emerged at the water's edge looking stronger than ever.
He was fine.
He was fine without me. And I was alone.
I tried to swim on my own too.
But I had let myself get too far from the shore.
I began to flail, but he no longer cared. I called out, but he no longer listened. I refused to slip beneath the surface, but the pain of the frigid water filled every part of me. He had left me.
I made it shore, but not the way he had. Not strong, but beaten. Battered. Having fought for every inch as I swam to the sand I should never have left. I sat, huddled and soaked, trembling and broken. But the sun would dry me. Time would heal me. And now I knew better. I would never enter into that water again. The island wasn't meant for me, if it was even there at all.
Pink Pajamas
...and other things that make me childish:
And yes, I wear pink pajamas. All. The. Time. I love them. I'm a full-grown adult by miles and miles, so I shouldn't care about pink pajamas. But here I am, with three sets of them. Plus my pink Pooh-bear shirt, which I count as pajamas with a certain set of super-soft pants that are similarly themed, though they aren't of Winnie the Pooh.
Why pink pajamas? I think I enjoy feeling like a marshmallow peep. Soft and squishy. The 'jamas I'm wearing now are technically white with tiny pink flowers, and pink sewn along the hems of the shorts, but that would have been a long blog post title. I should make some coffee, but honestly I feel like having chocolate milk.
- I play hopscotch and other sidewalk games.
- I jump in the pool. Sometimes. Other times I do sit beside it with my feet in the water like a normal grown-up.
- I pout. I cry easily, and am easily cheered up by nonsense.
- I play video games.
- I read children's books. Everything from Diary of a Wimpy Kid to Magic Treehouse books... all the way up through Young Adult romance novels.
And yes, I wear pink pajamas. All. The. Time. I love them. I'm a full-grown adult by miles and miles, so I shouldn't care about pink pajamas. But here I am, with three sets of them. Plus my pink Pooh-bear shirt, which I count as pajamas with a certain set of super-soft pants that are similarly themed, though they aren't of Winnie the Pooh.
Why pink pajamas? I think I enjoy feeling like a marshmallow peep. Soft and squishy. The 'jamas I'm wearing now are technically white with tiny pink flowers, and pink sewn along the hems of the shorts, but that would have been a long blog post title. I should make some coffee, but honestly I feel like having chocolate milk.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Alegretto and Melanthe Again
I'm procrastinating a simple task and keeping my mind off of something unpleasant; either of these endeavors might lead me to read, and today offers no exception. So. I read a few more pages of my beloved For My Lady's Heart by Laura Kinsale, and this scene with Alegretto is perfection. I share it here:
[Ruck, the hero, enters the room to see Melanthe in nothing but a kirtle, cut open at the sides to expose bare flesh from ankles to waist, ooh la la]
As she chose a necklace and belt of copper gilt and black enamel, the youth at his side moved, sliding a grin at Ruck, lolling across the bed to pluck the jewelry from her hands.
She bent her head as he clasped the necklace at her nape and smoothed his fingers down her throat. He was sixteen, mayhap less, scarce half her age or Ruck's, with black hair and skin as soft as hers. He stroked her as a lover would, bending to fasten the belt about her waist, kissing her shoulder as he did it.
I just love this entire scene. Laura Kinsale is my hero.
[Ruck, the hero, enters the room to see Melanthe in nothing but a kirtle, cut open at the sides to expose bare flesh from ankles to waist, ooh la la]
As she chose a necklace and belt of copper gilt and black enamel, the youth at his side moved, sliding a grin at Ruck, lolling across the bed to pluck the jewelry from her hands.
She bent her head as he clasped the necklace at her nape and smoothed his fingers down her throat. He was sixteen, mayhap less, scarce half her age or Ruck's, with black hair and skin as soft as hers. He stroked her as a lover would, bending to fasten the belt about her waist, kissing her shoulder as he did it.
I just love this entire scene. Laura Kinsale is my hero.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
More on Melanthe
Have I mentioned how much I love Melanthe's heartlessness? Here are some quotes I adore, showcasing her detachment when men try to court her (it's revealed very early in the story that she'll be assassinated if she accepts marriage or attention from any man, for reasons that are complicated to explain here):
She began to encourage him, though he needed no encouragement from her to lead himself to his own humiliation. She was angry at him, but smiled. She regretted him, but she smiled still, ruthless, laughing at his wit, complimenting his banquet.
I love her. She's flawed and complex. And she's paranoid that everyone talks about her. Here's a quote from the beginning of the story, when she's sitting at a banquet with the gyrfalcon she brings with her everywhere, sure that everyone is gossiping about her behind her back:
There-- that woman in the blue houpelande, leaning back to speak to the next table-- she was no doubt complaining to her neighbor that such a gyrfalcon as Princess Melanthe carried was too great for a woman to fly. Nothing in the duke's mews could match it; not even the Black Prince himself owned such a bird. The insolence, that she would display it so at the duke's own feast! Immodesty! Wicked vanity and arrogance!
Melanthe gave the woman a long dispassionate stare and had the pleasure of watching her victim turn white with dismay at the attention.
It's that last line that really cinches it for me. Melanthe is so sure of her own imagined scenario of what the woman in the blue houpeland is saying, that she cuts her with a cold glance, but moreover, she enjoys watching the woman squirm! I love Melanthe. She's everything awesome and real and wonderful to me.
One of my favorite lines of hers is simply this:
Since she felt the urge to smile, she followed the primary rule of her existence and did not do it.
Melanthe. Alegretto. I love these character.
Imagine a girl, trusting and unprepared for the vices thrust upon her in a cruel world. Who would she become? How would she survive? The Princess Melanthe is one of the coldest romance novel heroines I've ever read, and an eternal favorite. She's not sweet, though the story hints that once she was. I love that by the end of the story she still isn't sweet, though bits of softness come through here and there when she feels safe. Ultimately, she's learned that showing vulnerability leads to an opening for people to hurt her, and has become calculating in the extreme.
Ruck is the hero, but Melanthe and her closest friend, Alegretto, are what make For My Lady's Heart by Laura Kinsale one of my all-time favorite books.
Alegretto is androgynous. Feline. Elegant. Clever. A ruthless killer. He's cunning, charming and utterly devoted to himself and oddly, to Melanthe. They are similar creatures, so perhaps this shouldn't be odd, but for someone so completely selfish, I suppose I always wondered what made him crave Melanthe's acceptance and attention. Loneliness, maybe. The recognition of another damaged soul.
I still haven't read Alegretto's novel-- mainly out of fear. He is so completely perfect to me, I almost don't want to see him in his own story. I'm afraid his essence won't be the same.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Boy, Part 1: Water's Edge
I smiled at the boy.
He smiled back.
"Come into the water," he said.
"Come into the water," he said.
I shook my head. I never went into the water. I didn't trust it. Gentle waves that soothed, deceptively warm. But water could destroy. The simplest way to keep from drowning was to never get wet.
"Please?" he asked, tilting his head to the side. He took my hand.
The contact made my heart beat faster. I glanced at the shimmering, still surface of the water. No. It looked calm and inviting, but it was dangerous. The tide could turn. It might become cold. Harsh. I inched away. My entire life I had kept safely out of the water. I would be a fool to go into it now.
"You can trust me. I'll keep you safe." The boy sat and pulled me down beside him. "We don't have to go into the water if you don't want to. We can just sit together and look at how beautiful it is. And once enough time passes, you'll see that I'll never let anything bad happen to you. There's nothing to fear. Then you'll want to go into the water with me."
I sat with him, watching the water, watching him, listening to his stories and telling my own. I hadn't noticed the subtle rise of the lulling tide, the calm water inching ever closer to our spot. A hushed wave rolled up and reached our legs. I started, tucking my feet up.
"It's okay," the boy said. "I'm right here. We're together."
The next wave brought water swirling around us. It was so warm. Surprisingly comforting, and the boy urged me further in. I trusted him. I could trust him. The knowledge filled a deep ache inside me and I wanted to go deeper, to feel the water surround me and fill me. I wanted what the boy wanted. I let myself go, into the water. I let myself go.
But we'd gone so far from the shore. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't feel the safe, sandy ocean floor beneath me anymore. I could feel nothing but the boy and the water.
But we'd gone so far from the shore. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't feel the safe, sandy ocean floor beneath me anymore. I could feel nothing but the boy and the water.
"You seem afraid." The boy's eyes were gentle. "What are you afraid of?"
I shouldn't have told him. I should have smiled and said, Nothing. I'm afraid of nothing. But I said, "That the tide will turn. That the water will become cold. That you'll leave me alone."
"I'm right here, just as much in the water as you are." His lips came close to mine. "You have nothing to fear."
His words soothed me. Yes, the water was just as deep for him. He understood.
"There's an island." He held me close. "It's beautiful. Come with me?"
(Continued in The Boy, Part 2: Island).
(Continued in The Boy, Part 2: Island).
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Disney Movies and Chocolate Milk O'Clock
I can't sleep!!!
What else is new?
*sigh* I guess I'll go make myself some chocolate milk and watch a Disney movie. Somehow I'm going to convince three-in-the-morning to be my friend.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Souls and Flowers
Impossible fragility
Astonishing strength
Easy to ignore, to forget, to stroll past
without noticing
without noticing
without remembering
Easy to love
Tempting to crush
Just Like Heaven by Julia Quinn: Sleep-Deprived Ramblings
I've been up since 2am and I can't sleep, but at least I'm almost finished with Just Like Heaven by Julia Quinn. It's a fun read, and just the kind of story I love from JQ-- light and sweet-- though it's a little on the lighter side than normal. Not tons of depth, but a cute historical, which is what I was in the mood for. If you've read JQ before you might recognize the Smythe-Smith girls, who I've always wanted her to write stories about. Marcus and Honoria are adorable together, and even though it won't make my favorite list or anything, I'd recommend it if you're already a JQ fan. If you're new to Julia Quinn's writing I suggest starting with the Bridgerton series.
I think Just Like Heaven starts a four book series? I'm not sure. It's almost 5:30 in the morning and I'm notorious for getting the facts mixed up even on a full-night's sleep!
I think Just Like Heaven starts a four book series? I'm not sure. It's almost 5:30 in the morning and I'm notorious for getting the facts mixed up even on a full-night's sleep!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Stuff I do when I can't sleep
I can't sleep. When that happens, I usually read or write. Sometimes I draw, but I'm not a great artist, nor do I aspire to be one. I draw for fun. I also write for fun, but I do aspire to be a great writer someday. I'm not saying I will be a great writer- I don't have a crystal ball or anything. I'm just saying that it's what I'm working towards.
Lately though, I've been goofing off on the internet at night more than reading, writing, or anything else. So I figured, why not startyet another a blog? And this is why I'm posting this. Because I can't sleep and I'm on the internet anyway. Great reason, right?
Lately though, I've been goofing off on the internet at night more than reading, writing, or anything else. So I figured, why not start
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