I thought I'd found my story

I thought I'd found my story.
I thought I'd found myself.
But now I feel more lost than before.

I decided to go back and give my last completed novel a fair chance. A real shot at querying. Now I feel so foolish. It doesn't matter how much I love that story. I just... I need to write something better. Totally start over. And yes, I already went through this, and despite praise all I could see were faults. But little by little my confidence returned. It's just the way writers operate, I think. Then tonight, an email from a long-forgotten person I'd asked to critique the story. And she tore it to shreds. It's a mercy I didn't receive that email months ago when I felt totally uncertain about myself as a writer. It might've pushed me over the edge.

I read every word of the near-five pages she sent me. Every. Word. I can't stand looking at my story anymore. It really was just another learning experience. And the one I started recently. My once beloved new story. Well that one's just as bad.

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't write to a professional level. Just can't get there.

The sweetest relief would come if my stories would just stop. If I didn't feel this love inside that makes me want to write. If I could stop this desire, amputate it from my soul, I would do it.

This day

This day has been so long.

And it's still going on, shooo...

At least I'm in my 'jamas now. Comfy. And this day has to end at some point. Please, soon.

What Fools These Mortals Be

Who is she?

Is she Hermia? Chased by a man she doesn't love?

Titania? Blindly giving her love to an ass?

Helena? Pining for a man who turned from her in favor of another?

All three, then, but without Oberan's secret hand guiding Puck to the flower that could set things to right. Lord, what fools these mortals be.

Maybe a Crush, Some Japanese and InuYahsa!

First, isn't this a sweet picture of InuYasha?

It's from episode 82: Gap Between the Ages. As adorable as InuYasha is, if I had a crush on anyone in this program, it would be his older brother Sesshomaru. Very swoony. Not that I'm admitting to crushing on anime characters. <.<

To be fair, I'll make Sesshomaru's picture a sleepy-time picture, too.

Now for the Japanese! Here are some more words I hear and understand thanks to InuYasha, although who knows if I'm understanding correctly:

Demo...- but...

Osuwari!- sit! (but to a dog, I think)

Shoki- miasma (this may not come in super handy in life, but still! I know it)

Dakara- That's why

Sou...- I'm not exactly sure how it translates, but it seems like "so..." and if I'm right then that's very convenient to remember!

Souka- I see

Nanda- What (but, not like "Nani?" which feels more literally like "What?" Nanda seems more like, "What is it?" I think.)

And it seems like this little "ke" sound is the way to say "huh!" in a disgruntled way. At least for InuYasha. ^_^

And gosh I'm learning a little from Human Japanese, too, hooray! I can at least introduce myself and ask where the bathroom is, and point out things with desu and ask questions with ka. And I can make simple sentences now. Here is my favorite:

Atashi wa neko desu ka?

It means, Am I a cat? It was a sample sentence from my lessons!! Except my lesson used "watashi" which is the gender-neutral way to say it. I was delighted to learn this!

Ohayou gozaimasu! Means good morning, and I find it super cheerful!

I like a lot of other words and phrases but I'm finally becoming sleepy. WHEW. I thought I'd never become tired. I have no idea if anyone will find this list useful or totally wrong, but I find language-learning pretty fascinating and fun. ^_^

Sketch: Kirara

From the anime InuYasha. I just couldn't help drawing her, she's so cute.

An Ode to a Drizzly Morning

I like this weather.

I'm standing outside my front door. The sky is gray, but the hazy burn of the sun is still visible. Drops fall, enough to make a pleasant noise, leaving the world damp. Rocks that are normally gray now look dark and glossy, like polished marble. Glassy wet. The flowers lining my walk tremble from tiny drops that fall from trees above them. I like watching beads of water slide down the curve of leaves, and the way the water hangs at their pointed tips. I'm watching one, wondering how long it'll take before it gives up and falls. And there it goes! I counted to twenty-four before it lost itself to gravity. But it fell too fast for my eyes to follow, and I didn't see where it landed. Such a pretty world.