The Happiness Scale.

Sometimes I worry that there's some kind of emotional balance in the world... that if something good is happening to someone, then something bad is happening to someone else-- officially, not in a "good and bad things all the time" way. I mean, if something good happens to me, something bad must happen to balance it. That sounds silly and superstitious, but I can't help but ponder the way the world seems to work in that way. Even matter can't be created or destroyed, only changed. What if emotion is like matter, and if someone has happiness it wasn't created, but taken from someone else. I mean. That sounds so ridiculous to say out loud >.< But, just I can't help but think, there was so much good news today, and I was so happy. Then someone else shared the worst news imaginable and I felt like, why does there always have to be this give and take of sadness and happiness? And if something good happens and people are happy, is that just going to match the sadness that will soon be felt? Is there some kind of cosmic law that, as a "rational" thinking person, I'm in denial of truly facing? I should just accept that whatever happiness comes my way, there'll be a backlash of sadness to follow. It's just life. And nothing, least of all happiness lasts forever.

The older I get, the more I wish for neutrality of emotion. I can't help but feel elated and delighted at life though. I can't help but bounce and feel high and spirited, but it comes with feeling low and droopy sometimes, too. I suppose I could be neutral... and what a relief to never feel sad and empty and lonely. But I would miss feeling cheerful. I'd miss feeling silly.

I wonder......, hm. I wonder if when I feel sad and broken, if that might mean that somewhere else, someone is feeling whole and joyful. What if there is a happiness scale, and it always stays in balance? Oi. There's probably a movie or a book based on this principle. What if we could choose to take people's happiness? Gah! What if every happy moment, we knew we were stealing happiness from someone and making them feel despair? Nooo!! If this book is written I don't want to read it. And if it's not written, I don't want to write it.

I guess that means it's not worth thinking about, or worrying about. I don't know why I think of these things. >.<

Maybe a Crush, Some Japanese and InuYahsa!

First, isn't this a sweet picture of InuYasha?

It's from episode 82: Gap Between the Ages. As adorable as InuYasha is, if I had a crush on anyone in this program, it would be his older brother Sesshomaru. Very swoony. Not that I'm admitting to crushing on anime characters. <.<

To be fair, I'll make Sesshomaru's picture a sleepy-time picture, too.

Now for the Japanese! Here are some more words I hear and understand thanks to InuYasha, although who knows if I'm understanding correctly:

Demo...- but...

Osuwari!- sit! (but to a dog, I think)

Shoki- miasma (this may not come in super handy in life, but still! I know it)

Dakara- That's why

Sou...- I'm not exactly sure how it translates, but it seems like "so..." and if I'm right then that's very convenient to remember!

Souka- I see

Nanda- What (but, not like "Nani?" which feels more literally like "What?" Nanda seems more like, "What is it?" I think.)

And it seems like this little "ke" sound is the way to say "huh!" in a disgruntled way. At least for InuYasha. ^_^

And gosh I'm learning a little from Human Japanese, too, hooray! I can at least introduce myself and ask where the bathroom is, and point out things with desu and ask questions with ka. And I can make simple sentences now. Here is my favorite:

Atashi wa neko desu ka?

It means, Am I a cat? It was a sample sentence from my lessons!! Except my lesson used "watashi" which is the gender-neutral way to say it. I was delighted to learn this!

Ohayou gozaimasu! Means good morning, and I find it super cheerful!

I like a lot of other words and phrases but I'm finally becoming sleepy. WHEW. I thought I'd never become tired. I have no idea if anyone will find this list useful or totally wrong, but I find language-learning pretty fascinating and fun. ^_^

Mimis

I am sleepy. I could curl up in a ball and drowse the rest of the day away. But I have to work. And other things. So I'll drink caffeine and keep my eyes open.

Apathy

I have apathy for so many things that matter. I pretend to care, for society's sake. It's fine. It's out of my control, really. I don't choose to be apathetic.

So many things I just have no feeling about, and don't care. But there's one thing I do care about. Naturally, it's the one thing I wish I could figure out how to stop caring about. The world works that way, I guess.

I should sleep

Or something. It's late late laaaate in the night, early in the morning, and oops, didn't I put a ban on internet use late at night?? But I think I lift the ban, yay. Tonight I've been listening to some of the most beautiful instrumental music by Joe Hisaishi... and then I switched it to ragey Dir En Grey, bahaha!! I like any music that makes me feel something powerful, I guess. It isn't about the genre; it's about the emotion behind it, and my connection with that emotion.

Or something. ^_^

Sleepy secrets

I'm writing a poem called Sleepy Secrets, but I'm too tired to think it over right now. Just... back to my old ways of falling asleep around eight and opening my eyes for no reason at 11pm-ish, wide awake, with the whole empty night ahead of me. And lately I hate going on my computer at night. Despise it. So, I'm awake at night and I don't know what to do with myself. I read, or draw, until finally, close to dawn I end up on WoW or youtube (Pokemon, broadway, what'll it be today?!) and then??? I have to work and I'm so sleepy... I can't sleep at night but --ha!-- I can always fall asleep at six in the morning and that's exactly when I need to be awake!!

Most people assume something is wrong when I say I can't sleep at night. And then, why don't I want to go on the computer at night? Questions bother me, so, the sleeplessness is a secret. Which makes it kinda lonely. Then again, most of my life is a secret... note the anonymous blog. I like it that way. If the cost is feeling a little lonely, so be it.

I like having the nights to myself, though. I just mentioned this to a friend who's "in" on my sleepy secret. I told this friend ... and to (again) be honest, despite the tiredness and the feeling of slight loneliness that comes with being awake all night, there's also a stillness and peacefulness to the solitude. I have the entire night to myself. ...ultimately, night is when I belong most to myself. I wouldn't be me if I didn't have these strange sleepless nights.

Just Like Heaven by Julia Quinn: Sleep-Deprived Ramblings

I've been up since 2am and I can't sleep, but at least I'm almost finished with Just Like Heaven by Julia Quinn. It's a fun read, and just the kind of story I love from JQ-- light and sweet-- though it's a little on the lighter side than normal. Not tons of depth, but a cute historical, which is what I was in the mood for. If you've read JQ before you might recognize the Smythe-Smith girls, who I've always wanted her to write stories about. Marcus and Honoria are adorable together, and even though it won't make my favorite list or anything, I'd recommend it if you're already a JQ fan. If you're new to Julia Quinn's writing I suggest starting with the Bridgerton series.

I think Just Like Heaven starts a four book series? I'm not sure. It's almost 5:30 in the morning and I'm notorious for getting the facts mixed up even on a full-night's sleep!

Stuff I do when I can't sleep

I can't sleep. When that happens, I usually read or write. Sometimes I draw, but I'm not a great artist, nor do I aspire to be one. I draw for fun. I also write for fun, but I do aspire to be a great writer someday. I'm not saying I will be a great writer- I don't have a crystal ball or anything. I'm just saying that it's what I'm working towards.

Lately though, I've been goofing off on the internet at night more than reading, writing, or anything else. So I figured, why not start yet another a blog? And this is why I'm posting this. Because I can't sleep and I'm on the internet anyway. Great reason, right?