Heart versus Brain

Sometimes my brain thinks:

There is no bright side or dark side to life. We're all simply organisms surviving from one day to the next until we die. 

But my heart rebels!

There are so many beautiful things in this world. So many emotions, so much joy. Can it all really be so meaningless? It can't be!

So I have this internal struggle that goes on inside me. I never come to a resolution on it. Basically, my heart and brain are in constant conflict. It's confusing. I don't know who to believe, or if they're both full of crap.

Brain! Did you see how radical that person is? I love that person so much!
No. Love is an illusion that helps us form advantageous attachments. Those attachments provide benefits in the form of shared resources. I approve of the attachment you're forming, and will help solidify it.

No way. Don't start with your "love is an illusion" crap. I love my family and friends. I miss them when they're gone, I don't want them to be hurt. Those feelings are real.
The attachment response is beneficial for a variety of reasons, including protection from those who would cause us harm and also, the potential for help in solving problems. Whether this is labeled "love" is not relevant.

So then, love isn't an illusion, jerk-brain! Whether I label it "love" or not, the feelings are still real.
The illusion comes in thinking that attachment to a specific person matters. The reality is, it doesn't.

You're such a pain in my arse. Of course it matters who I love. I love X-person and not Y-person. There's a reason for that. X-person means more to me. I love that person!
No. You've convinced yourself that X-person has more significance than anyone else. X-person might offer you more resources-- intellectual stimulation, an allied response when confronted with an enemy, the potential for support in times of hardship-- there are a variety of reasons X-person has generated a stronger attachment response, but there are other people who could offer you those same things. You could find someone else to form a deep attachment to, or you could choose to have a wide base of people who offer you similar benefits superficially and across a variety of spectrums. Ultimately, X-person doesn't matter any more than any other person in your life. Convincing yourself otherwise doesn't change that.

I'm not listening.
...


I hate you. Fine. What about "falling in love," romance and all of that?
Romantic love is the biggest illusion of all. It's a biological mechanism to ensure survival of the species.

You suck. I'm an emotional mess now. Thanks a lot, jerk-brain. 
...


You never answer me when I have an outburst! It just seems like you're wrong. People do so much for love. Love makes people happy.
Again, the species is hard-wired to form beneficial attachments. There is truth in the phrase "strength in numbers."

You're making me so freaking mad! I don't care what you say. It hurts when someone I love doesn't want my love. It hurts. People talk about being hurt by the people they love all the time. That's real. Plus, if it's all about your dumb "forming beneficial attachments" mumbo-jumbo, why do people love the wrong person, or love someone who isn't good for them?
Forming attachments is an investment of time and energy, and it's easier to maintain existing attachments than create new ones. This is why there is a pain response when someone we've invested time and energy in is no longer available. As for forming attachments with the wrong person or with people who negatively impact you, that comes from allowing the illusion of love to cloud your judgment. By remembering that love is not real, you'll avoid those problems.

You make me want to stop beating. What's the point?
There is no point.

Die in a fire. I hate you.
That statement is irrational. If I ceased to exist, you would cease to exist. We need each other.

Shut up.

Hard Angles Remain

Waking dreams fade
Purpose blurred
Vision purged
of beauty, of softness, of light
Hard angles remain
A new existence
A solitary life

Stained Glass

Smooth windowpane
Transparent
Simple

Until shattered
pieces lying scattered across the floor

I kneel among the fragments
Hands trembling
Fingers bleeding as I try to repair what once was

Impossible?
Abandon hope?
Impossible to abandon hope.

A new construction then
Slivers and shards placed in careful sequence
A new work of love
No longer transparent
No longer simple
But now more beautiful than before
A stained glass masterpiece

Sketch: Yours

Yours

I'm in Awe of Artists.

I'm sketching again. Obsessed with it like I was a few years ago, filling up notebooks with drawings, on loose-leaf paper or printer paper or anything at hand, notepads even. If it's not one obsession it's another.

I took a break because as I'm looking at this guy's face I'm drawing, I know it isn't what I see in my mind. He's stiff. A cardboard cut-out in his rigidity. Which leads me to my point... I'm completely in awe of true artists. I've known a few artists here and there whose work was really great, and one who could make every line look alive, every sketch ache with emotion. It left me breathless to look at that kind of talent.

I draw because I need a release, and I enjoy it. I have no drive or desire to even see if I could excel at it. But some people have  a natural ability that I can't help be drawn to. I want to experience the emotion they exude through the work they leave on paper, be it visual art or the written word. It's so rare to find those kind of people. Even rarer when they don't see it, the beauty of their art and words buried beneath uncertainty and fragile hope... to be crude, it's refreshing to find a genius who isn't a total douche about his or her genius. BUT, I do feel like it's hard to blame a talented douche for being a douche, if he or she really is as good as the hype of their douchiness. It's just precious and rare when the amazing person retains a small shred of humility, and still wonders --even if it's paired with well-earned confidence-- if someone will like what they've created.

Sketch: Beautiful Monster

So this is a close-up and the full picture of the same sketch. I know my drawings are cartoonish, cheesy, etc, but I enjoy drawing and we're not always excellent at the things we enjoy. I -do- want to become an excellent writer, though.

Hm.

~wonders if Beautiful Monster might have a story to tell~

Anyway, here they are:

Beautiful Monster

Sketch: Cozy

Doesn't he look cozy?