Yu Kanda from D. Gray Man

My latest anime obsession is D. Gray Man. <3 Sesshomaru is still my favorite-favorite character, I re-watch InuYasha episodes with him in them because, extreme-love, BUT...

No he is not a girl, but he's prettier than one and I keep feeling like, oh I wish I could RP him. I might ending writing fanfiction like I did with Sesshomaru, but for now I'll just watch D. Gray Man episodes. ^_^

Favorite Yu Kanda lines:

"I'm sorry for involving you in this, but I must take that innocence."

"You're so naïve. We exorcists are destroyers, we're not saviors."

"This coat isn’t a pillow for the wounded… it’s the uniform of an Exorcist!"

"As if I'd shake hands with someone who's cursed."
~ ~ ~

I adore this clip-video someone put together. ^_^

おはいよう！

It's not time to say good morning, but it IS morning, technically, and I still think ohaiyou is the most cheerful good morning saying ever in the history of ever! ^_^ I'm excited to have a place to type in Japanese, now that I'm taking a class and actually know more than what I learned from anime and Human Japanese. But... 疲れた～～ I wish I could sleep, but I have soooo much work due tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all. :c  土曜日だったらよかった。

!

This place! I had forgotten.

So much has changed since I've posted in this little fairy garden I created for myself, long ago when I felt so alone.

So much has changed. Of course it has! I look back to how unhappy I was-- well, I seemed sort of cheerful from these posts, but also so alone... reading through it all I can remember just how hopelessly trapped I felt. There was no freedom. I couldn't wrap my head around seizing my own life and running for it. But then, then someone showed me how. And now... now I'm free. Really and truly free.

But. Well. Sad things, that's what my LJ is for. Not this blog. *This* blog is for looking forward, and looking within. It's for using ellipses as often as I like! It's for talking about things that bore most people. It's where I can geek out!

I guess I need this place again.

I don't care if people know who I am, really. If I did I would post everything here on LJ where things are truly private. I just want to not have to be "on" sometimes. I want to be able to do exactly what I'm doing now. Chatter my head off about whatever comes to mind. ^_^

The Happiness Scale.

Sometimes I worry that there's some kind of emotional balance in the world... that if something good is happening to someone, then something bad is happening to someone else-- officially, not in a "good and bad things all the time" way. I mean, if something good happens to me, something bad must happen to balance it. That sounds silly and superstitious, but I can't help but ponder the way the world seems to work in that way. Even matter can't be created or destroyed, only changed. What if emotion is like matter, and if someone has happiness it wasn't created, but taken from someone else. I mean. That sounds so ridiculous to say out loud >.< But, just I can't help but think, there was so much good news today, and I was so happy. Then someone else shared the worst news imaginable and I felt like, why does there always have to be this give and take of sadness and happiness? And if something good happens and people are happy, is that just going to match the sadness that will soon be felt? Is there some kind of cosmic law that, as a "rational" thinking person, I'm in denial of truly facing? I should just accept that whatever happiness comes my way, there'll be a backlash of sadness to follow. It's just life. And nothing, least of all happiness lasts forever.

The older I get, the more I wish for neutrality of emotion. I can't help but feel elated and delighted at life though. I can't help but bounce and feel high and spirited, but it comes with feeling low and droopy sometimes, too. I suppose I could be neutral... and what a relief to never feel sad and empty and lonely. But I would miss feeling cheerful. I'd miss feeling silly.

I wonder......, hm. I wonder if when I feel sad and broken, if that might mean that somewhere else, someone is feeling whole and joyful. What if there is a happiness scale, and it always stays in balance? Oi. There's probably a movie or a book based on this principle. What if we could choose to take people's happiness? Gah! What if every happy moment, we knew we were stealing happiness from someone and making them feel despair? Nooo!! If this book is written I don't want to read it. And if it's not written, I don't want to write it.

I guess that means it's not worth thinking about, or worrying about. I don't know why I think of these things. >.<

White Light

From the darkness of my youth I learned to see
the stars

Maybe those whose lives have been harsh and ugly
ache for beauty
Those whose lives have been spent in darkness
yearn for something bright

When the shimmer's been washed away
The shine lost
The sparkle rubbed down to a hard, flat, grey.

I use the glow in my heart to make my own white light
Build a fortress
Climb to the top and, although locked away, share what I can


Because no matter how dim the world
I can still be a light

I thought I'd found my story

I thought I'd found my story.
I thought I'd found myself.
But now I feel more lost than before.

I decided to go back and give my last completed novel a fair chance. A real shot at querying. Now I feel so foolish. It doesn't matter how much I love that story. I just... I need to write something better. Totally start over. And yes, I already went through this, and despite praise all I could see were faults. But little by little my confidence returned. It's just the way writers operate, I think. Then tonight, an email from a long-forgotten person I'd asked to critique the story. And she tore it to shreds. It's a mercy I didn't receive that email months ago when I felt totally uncertain about myself as a writer. It might've pushed me over the edge.

I read every word of the near-five pages she sent me. Every. Word. I can't stand looking at my story anymore. It really was just another learning experience. And the one I started recently. My once beloved new story. Well that one's just as bad.

I don't know what to do with myself. I can't write to a professional level. Just can't get there.

The sweetest relief would come if my stories would just stop. If I didn't feel this love inside that makes me want to write. If I could stop this desire, amputate it from my soul, I would do it.

This day

This day has been so long.

And it's still going on, shooo...

At least I'm in my 'jamas now. Comfy. And this day has to end at some point. Please, soon.